the teeter-totter: inspired by MJ

"Too long have I lived in the shadowy darkness of longing, of wishing, of wondering. Too long have I been frozen and too afraid to unleash the deep, inner workings of my creative soul. No one should be so starved. Not me, not you, not anyone.  Leave the shadow behind and don the wings that were meant for you and only you. Bring to life your purpose, your gifts, your passion, and hide in the darkness no more." 

These beautiful words by MJ over at Wander Wonder Discover have stirred something deep within.  

Sunset :: Tungabhadra River near Hampi, India

I have been shackled by my own insecurities. 

I stand in the cool air and watch the evening (verb) of day time and night time - the light slowly dipping and the dark slowly rising. In this shift, there exists but a moment when both day and night are balanced - each one on the opposite ends of a teeter-totter - neither one with feet touching the ground. Perfectly balanced. Then day continues to dip beyond the fulcrum pushing night higher so. I stand in darkness. I imagine the fulcrum of my soul's longings. On one end is the longing, the wishing, the wondering in the darkness. On the other end is the action, the doing, the possibilities.

I feel like I have spent so much time trying to cherry drop my insecurities, that I have failed to see how I am still suspended.... my feet far from the ground and no awareness of my own wings to free me. 



I thought I was 'winning' but realize now that I am just getting in my own way. Yes yes, Julie, honor those beautiful places in your life.. you are a good mother. A great mother. and you are an amazing educator. Those things aren't meant to be dismissed. But being defensive about what it is that you do well is only you getting in your own way. 



What you, that is I, need is balancing... honor the dreaming, longing, wishing... by stepping from the darkness of your insecurities and watch as the darkness dips and let the daytime of your longings rise. Rise into action, doing, possibilities.  And notice the moment....the evening (verb) of night to day. Hear the chickens wake. The birds' songs. And then step into the sunlight and sing your own song. YOU, that is me, cannot hide any longer. It is time. 

Sunrise :: Boulder, Colorado

wee(ds)kend project

We were so fortunate that the previous owners of our home were avid gardeners. We have the most beautiful flower gardens. When one blooms dies back, another comes... and this continues from the very first crocuses far into late fall. We have spent so many hours out in our yard keeping it beautiful -- until June of 2010. June 25 to be exact -- our little bird's birthday. While we enjoyed the new found wonder of being mamas, the bind weed, dandelions, lambs quarters, and thistles enjoyed our negligence. This past Sunday, while Jenn was busy in the veggie garden (post coming soon) I got busy in the bed adjacent to our chicken coop. Avi took turns helping both of us!

believe it or not - this is a rock path/ditch

overgrown with weeds and grasses

the tedious task of cleaning rocks from weeds

while I was working hard, my best helper was playing harder

volia!

And just to reiterate: 

Before...................................................................................After

Walking out to the chicken coop every morning I get to see the efforts of my hard work. 

What projects are you working on??

Best Mother's Day ever!

Mother's Day breakfast in bed? Nope. Mother's Day at the starting line!

Unsettled belly as woke up on race day with one hour before I had to leave the house. My mind racing with questions: Should I just walk the whole race? Should I try to run the first two miles? Should I walk the first 4 miles and run the last two so that I'm running through the finish line? Why didn't I train more? Will I be the last person to cross the finish line? What will people think of me if I don't run? What will I think of myself? But thankfully, my check list of what to do before leaving the house was long and I rolled out of bed quicker than I could find answers.

I have to thank Peggy a million times for inspiring me to follow through. (Peggy and I have know each other for 17 years -- I used to nanny her two boys, who are now young men at 18 and 21). I'm not sure that I would have rolled out of bed if she weren't here to get me to the starting line. Simple things like what time the race starts and the best place to pin my bib and how to attach the timing chip to my shoes and what to wear and how to make bias tape -- oh wait, that's for another blog post  ... she was amazingly helpful in settling my first race jitters and (did I say it already?) getting me to the starting line.

Peggy and I pre-race

Avi giving me some pre-race love.

The horn sounded and I (with 1706 other runners) was off. I began running. Jogging actually. As my foot crossed the starting line, I realized I hadn't come up with a plan on how I was going to run/walk the 9.9 kilometers. I guess I'll come up with a plan as I go, I thought.  Maybe run the first two and then walk after that. But then I arrived at the first mile marker. But it wasn't a mile marker at all... but a kilometer marker and it said 2K. Since I don't know the mile/kilometer conversion off the top of my head, I started to do math in my head. Well if the entire race is 6.1 miles then 3 miles is about 1/2 way and 1/2 of 9 is 4.5 so if I get to the 5K marker then I know I've gone half way. But when will I hit 2 miles because I know that I can run 2 miles... Peggy and I did that on Thursday. But then I got sidetracked when I heard a mom telling her two daughters (ages 10ish and 12ish) birth stories. I gathered from listening that the mother was a doula. Soon, I realized I was running faster to keep up with them so that I could hear the outcome of the mother who pushed for four hours. (yes, pushed). By then, I was coming up on the 4K marker. I felt inspired by these stories and inspired that a mama was teaching her young daughters of how different every birth is and how letting babies come on their own (when there aren't complications) is best for the baby and the mama and how strong women are when they are birthing. I remembered when I had given birth to Avi and how strong I felt then. This pushed me to continue running. If I run one more kilometer then I will have run 1/2 of the race and that will be something to be proud of. 

As I was passing the 5K marker I heard a young girl (age 8ish) say to her Mom, "I'm going to catch up with grandma". This tickled me so much that I had to keep running. Not long after that, a incredibly fit mama, pushing a jog stroller with a itty bitty babe, passed me. My internal critic started, "your son is 22 months old and you're not even pushing a jog stroller and this new mom is passing you." But I was quickly able to quiet my critic and remind myself that everyone's path is different. We all start in different places and zig zag along life's crazy path. I too was running this race.... still running. When I came upon the 6K marker, I saw the same new mom pulled over and nursing her kidlet. I veered off the trail and told her I thought she was amazing (and silently told myself the same) and kept on running. Only 3k more and then I'm done. I think I can do it. I think I can run the whole race. The last 3.9K were the hardest. My legs were tired, my knees were hurting and my right foot kept falling asleep even after adjusting my laces 3 or 4 times. But I kept going. Looking in front of me I saw hundreds of women running and walking.... behind me, more women: young, old, thin, fat, daughters, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, friends... all encouraging each other...out loud and silently through their smiles.

I passed the 9K marker and realized that the other .9 is actually farther than I thought. I couldn't yet see the balloon arch marking the finish line... but there were people husbands and partners and children and friends starting to line the course and rooting us to the finish. Then I could see the balloon arch and soon I saw three faces that made me smile as big as I could: Peggy (who had finished in 1:12), my lovely wife, Jenn, and our beautiful son, Avi. Jenn lifted Avi over the fence and there he stood waiting for me. I picked him up and ran 20 yards to the finish. I couldn't have felt more proud. Of myself. Myself as a runner, as a mother, as a woman. I ran the entire 9.9K - a slow turtle paced jog - but I did it.

Avi and me post race (yes, that's chocolate ice cream in my hand).

... On the way out of the parking lot, I asked Avi if he had fun at the race.  "Yes", he said.  "What was your favorite part?", Jenn asked him.  "Ema running" he said. Greatest Mother's Day present ever!!

....and a huge thanks to my wife Jenn. Who supported me, brought Avi to the race so that they could cheer me on, took all the photos of the day and whose support means the world to me. Thank you! 

******

First Race: Title Nine Mother's Day 9.9K 

Chip Time: 1:24:41

13:53 minute mile average

(Includes 2 pit stops for potty and 3-4 for adjusting laces)

Inspired to do more. Train. Get strong again. Sign up for more races.

How was your Mother's Day?

Lacing up my shoes

With the 9K coming up this weekend, I hate to say that I'm completely unprepared. I have run only a handful of times running less than a mile or so at a time. I haven't worked out once to get the rest of my body in shape for this. Yet, signing up for this race and setting this goal has still been a very rewarding experience (and I haven't even finished the race yet). With my back causing me problems since after the birth of Avi, signing up for this race has pushed me to finally started seeing a chiropractor. It has pushed me to find ways to get a run in with only 20 minutes -- I run (albeit only three times) up and down and down and up Red Rocks trail. It has gotten me to go into the Title Nine store (to pick up my race packet) which in my mind was a store for elite athletes and not for people like me. Needless to say it is for exactly people like me and elite athletes and everyone in between. Signing up for this race got my friend, Peggy (who has inspired me with her own running journey), to come out from Virginia for a visit and run the race too! Lastly, it is a good lesson for me in 'follow through' which I talk more about here. I will finish this race even if I only walk it. I'm looking forward to dropping into the energy and soaking every last bit of inspiration from all the women who will cross that finish line on Sunday. Wish me luck!


When I run up and down and down and up Red Rocks, I have to stop a few times to catch my breath, but with the beauty that surrounds, I'm really okay with that.  Here are a few shots of my 20 minute runs.

P.S. This morning, Peggy and I finally got to go for a run together. 2 miles! woot!

more of this please!

9K (or making leap day extraordinary)

 "If your dreams do not scare you,they are not big enough."  

- Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

There is a first time for everything, right?  I registered for this:

source

I know 9K may seem like nothing, but for me it is daunting. I haven't been working out or really even walking that much.  I'm not a runner and have never ran a race if you don't count middle school track tryouts. I'm a little embarrassed to say, but my inspiration came when I got the Title Nine catalogue in the mail the other day --  those women (real women, not just emaciated models) have amazingly strong bodies.  I want to have a stronger body. I feel like this goal is going to get me started in the right direction. Now if my psoas muscle would just settle so I can start training. It's time to put that jog stroller to it's real use!

Anyone want to join me? I could use a buddy or two. Especially another first-timer!

Watch them grow

Our seeds have sprouted. 

Day 1: January 26th, 2012

 A few seeds and a wish & a prayer.

No fancy warming mats - just sunshine and a humidity dome.

 Day 3: January 29th, 2012 

 Poking their heads.

 Checking out the new growth.

Day 6: February 1st, 2012 

Our cotyledons growing taller!

 One drink for the sprouts...

...one drink for Avi.

Day 11: February 6th, 2012

Watch Them Grow. or Keeping it Real: (for David)

I farmed one full growing season on Hedgerow Farm (now Cure Organic Farm) back in 2004. Because of this, one, might think that I have quite a bit of experience -- enough, at least, to grow a successful backyard garden. While I did learn a great deal on the farm that season, most of the 'real' decisions were made by Anne Cure, the farm manager. What to plant and when. Where to plant. How much to water and when. When to harden off the plants in the greenhouse. You get the idea. Since that season, my own backyard gardens have been meager at best. Every year I begin with high hopes of making this year, the year of the garden!  Goals of developing a planting calendar, calculating for frost, committing to starting seeds indoors, succession planting, harvesting, canning and preserving. Yet, for the past few years, I have fallen short. Last year we planted a few crops and even a neglected plot (e.g. during our hottest summer days, the garden only got water every third day) was enough 'boon' for a blog post). 

Laziness is the only logical explanation for my failed attempts, right? Well... not really. The real explanation is that sometimes I wait for someone else to take the lead. I think that I need to have Jenn committed 200% to making our garden a success. If she cares about this project more than I then surely she will give me the inspiration that I so desperately desire. The lyrics in Ingrid Michaelson's song Turn to Stone repeat in my head: And if you wait for someone else's hand, Then you will surely fall down. The reality is that I have fallen down not only in my attempts at a garden, but in other arenas in my life as well.  Someone once told me that "dreaming big is sexy, but making your dreams come true is sexier". I want to be sexier.  

This year, in an effort to be sexier, I decided I would commit to experiment with at least two indoor starts. Maybe that will help me commit to my dream of a successful growing season take full advantage of the growing season. So after a few weeks of having all of the supplies... and even trying to pass it off on the nanny saying, "If you and Avi want to do this project together, go for it." -- I finally got to taking my own lead and to planting some seeds. Avi helped and together, we planted four starts: two varieties of tomatoes, peppers, and arugula. ..............................................................Am I looking sexier yet? 

 Even though I have beautiful compost in our bin, I thought I "needed" this seedling mix. Why?

 Even Red (the hen) wanted to help... or snatch a seed or two.

 Tomatoes.

 Arugula.

What in your life is sexy, but could be sexier?

9 things...

...for which I'm grateful (in no particular order).

Peace among the species.

Fruition.

Nature's morning majesty.

These helping hands.

Wintertime sunkissed clothes.

 A boy and his horse

The unexpected.

Nourishment.

 Avi's big discoveries: like this diaper that doubles as a neck warmer.

Inspired to Run

I do love this blog world.  and tonight I was inspired by Muddy Socks' most recent post.  So tonight I am posting that tomorrow, I'm going for a run in the morning.  Regardless of the weather.  I post this tonight so that anyone who stumbles here might check in with me to see if I actually followed through!! :)