Contemplations: A Civil Union Rant

At 12am today, gay and lesbians were lined up at the Boulder County Clerk and Recorder’s office to get their civil union licenses. Parties were being held, organizations were offering free officiating of civil union ceremonies, our friends were there to celebrate, even my straight Rabbi was there in support of us queer couples. But we weren’t there.

While YES, this is big news for Colorado -- which in the past has been named, (by the glbtq community), “the-great-hate-state", I still have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth about it.

At first I thought I was just being cynical because we don’t get enough sleep in this house, so not wanting to stay up until midnight just makes me feel old. And tired. Then I thought it was because of the rollercoaster ride that our relationship has been on since the birth of our son. Everyone says it changes everything, but you can NEVER know how it will change. And shit… has it changed. 

And then I thought my cynicism was because we are sometimes on the same page about baby number two and then in the blink of an eye, we are shelved in different library systems.  And then I thought it was because what we did to ensure that we had medical power of attorney, parental rights, and other protections costing us thousands of dollars to our lawyer, case worker, and court fees,  now gay and lesbian couples can get for $20 and a few signatures. But it’s not even that. I’m thrilled to be a shoulder that younger glbtq folks can stand on to get closer to having equal rights. God knows I stood on the shoulders of thousands millions of glbtq folks who endured the unspeakable so that I may live in relative safety and comfort as an OUT queer family in our liberal crunchy town. The fact is that civil union is still SEPARATE AND STILL NOT EQUAL.

We do gain some rights, lots of rights…. And they are important rights. But we do not gain ALL of the more than 1,138 federal rights, protections and responsibilities automatically granted to married heterosexual couples. The law says that we can adopt children as a couple now, but it doesn’t clearly state anything about parental rights. My understand is … that if we continue to live in Colorado, then Jenn will have rights to any additional children we have (without needing to do another 2^nd parent adoption). But if we cross the state line, then our rights go right out the window. How is that fair?

And… we already got “married”/”commitmented” or whatever you want to call it…. FIVE AND 1/2 Years ago. And there is no way my size 10 butt will fit into my size 6 wedding dress. (DAMN, I did love that dress)! So if I’m not thrilled about this civil union thing, you may understand why. 

And Jenn and I are having a hard enough time coming together to plan a date night, so the thought of planning a civil union ceremony (even if it is just us with or without a handful of family/friends) feels daunting.

Okay, so maybe I’m a bit cynical. Maybe I do need more sleep and need to get to the gym more often to get rid of the grumps.... But I don’t think it’s all without reason. 

Contemplations: Potty Training.

 Yesterday's post clued you into what's been happening in our home these past few weeks. 

Here are my accompanying contemplations. 

When Avi was 1 and 1/2 years old, I felt on top of the potty training thing. We had been doing Elimination Communication with him since he was just 8 weeks old.  I was confident that we were making good decisions and what we were doing was working. Now that Avi is 2 and 1/2, I look back and realize a few mistakes I made that caused a little bit of a halt in being diaper free. (And sure, I know that I could have done "everything right" and we might still be where we are, but nonetheless, maybe my experience could help someone else).

My biggest regret is that we first purchased a toilet seat (which sits atop the toilet) instead of a freestanding potty chair. Now, I had gotten to know Avi's cues pretty quickly. Seeing him begin to grunt and become red faced, I would pick him up and carry him to the bathroom and lift him onto the toilet. This worked fine until he began walking and didn't want me to pick him up and carry him to the toilet. He began to say something to the tune of, "Avi walk himself". And then I would hold his hand and we would walk to the bathroom together. But still, he was dependent on me to help him onto the toilet. "Avi walk himself" was soon replaced with, "No, no, no".  It wasn't long before he began to prefer to poop in his diaper. I felt horrible. Hadn't we come so far? Sometimes I'd go 10 weeks without having to change a poopy diaper. And now he was pooping in his diaper??? Where had a I gone wrong? In the moment it wasn't completely clear, but I also wasn't completely oblivious. So I finally bought the freestanding potty. In hindsight it's easy to see -- of course, a child needs a potty chair that is his size. One that he can sit down on without any help.  

And then when Avi turned two, I got a little over zealous in my own efforts and created a paradigm for him to "hurry up and grow up". More about that here. I put on my own breaks and just left the matter of potty training well alone. Though he did continue to sit on the potty (the potty chair and the big toilet) every now and then.

After about a month of slowing down, I began to communicate even more with Avi. We talked about him growing bigger and that someday he wouldn't have nee-nee (breast milk) anymore. And in the process of three months of talking, Avi, at 28 months, was ready to be done with nursing (and so was I)! That was last October. It was a beautiful ending to nursing that we did together via discussions. And over the last two months, we have been talking again... this time about the potty.  

In that time, I did more research, talked with other mamas, and read books (I like Diaper Free Before Three the best). Last week, I went on a potty training supply/readiness binge:

•  I ordered another bjorn potty (got sick of carrying the one we had upstairs and downstairs) and even let Avi pick which color he wanted.
• I ordered a travel potty for the car.
• I ordered two mattress covers for his bed.
• I bought a new wet bag and dug out our two old ones (for wet/soiled underwear on the go).
• I set up the diaper pail again (for wet/soiled underwear). 
• I bought a dozen or so more cotton trainers and unders. 
• I got about a 1/2 dozen waterproof training pants (which we wear over the cotton underwear when we go out of the house). These are a godsend!
• And I arranged a meeting with Jenn, myself, and our nanny so that we could all be on the same page about our approach. 

He likes his privacy. Thus I'm often checking in on him through the crack beneath the door. 

So Avi is no longer wearing a diaper, (except for nap and bed), and we are all finding our new rhythm which includes using the potty (a lot!). Our first outings without diapers were hugely successful which helps me as much as it helps him. I can see how this gentler shift is so much better for Avi and for me/us (and my patience). And I can also see how this is, indeed, a shift and see him testing his boundaries a little too. All part of the process. 

I'm grateful for the place we are in, for the communication that is happening (amongst us all) and for the milestones we are reaching. I feel like we are finding our way again. 

Last night:
Ema: When the timer goes off, it will be time to head upstairs to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.
Avi: And sit on the potty.
Ema: Yes, and sit on the potty.

Keeping it Real: Contemplations on Being the Parent You Don't Want to Be.

Pausing to listen to an airplane in the sky, stooping to watch a ladybug on a plant, sitting on a rock to watch the waves crash over the quayside - children have their own agendas and timescales.  As they find out more about their world and their place in it, they work hard not to let adults hurry them.  We need to hear their voices.  ~Cathy Nutbrown

Lately, I've have to step back and ask myself:  What is causing so much stress? Why am I clinging too tightly to my own agenda and losing patience for Avi's agenda? About a week ago, while walking to dinner,  I found myself feeling easily frustrated as Avi was stopping to touch every bike parked along Pearl Street (and if you know Boulder, that's a lot of bikes). And instead of hurrying along Avi, I just projected my 'agenda' onto Jenn (sorry Jenn).  "Please don't let him do that, those bike chains are greasy and his hands are getting dirty." and "Can't you help him along faster?"  I was tired. And hungry. And cold. But instead of just honoring their moments together - and walking ahead on my own, I had to push my agenda onto them. In hindsight, I'm not very proud of myself as a parent or partner in that moment. And other moments like them. Lately, I haven't liked the stress-case that I have become. Having difficulty dealing with transitions. Pushing my own agenda onto the world. Melting down easily when things do go as planned. Being just plain grumpy. I'm thinking that this means I need to take some time for myself and look deeper. (And I need to sleep more).

Being a parent is hard work. It is stressful and exhausting and time consuming and can bring up all that was or wasn't good about one's own upbringing. But being a parent is also magical. And amazing and rewarding and awe-inspiring and phenomenal. My heart swells bigger everyday. I love watching Avi grow and being able to help guide him along his own path. And I'm glad Avi works hard to not allow me hurry him. But I don't want him to have to work so hard. I want to respect his agenda too. I need to pause... pause to listen... hear Avi's voice. Respect Avi's voice. 

Maybe I should get a tattoo the above quote from Cathy Nutbrown's? Or paint it on a wall in my home?  

What are ways that you realign yourself with your values when things feel stressful? How do you deal with times when you are not the parent you want to be? 

big girl house AKA around the garden

Springtime poppies

When we moved into our home, we were lucky to have beautiful and immaculate flower gardens that were the labor of love of the previous home owners. Starting in late winter, the first harbingers of spring, crocuses and daffodils bloom with delight and just as they begin dying back, something else is starting to bloom. This cycle of dying back and opening up continues deep into fall. Many visitors have complimented us on our gardens, which even look beautiful from a distance when they are left to the lambs quarters, thistle, dandelions, and bind weed. On the east side of our home, shaded by a tall fence and our neighbors glorious fruit trees, we have two small patches for a vegetable garden and compost - also left by the previous owners. When we moved in, we began to tend to everything the previous owners had left -- except that our weeding habits still aren't what theirs were.

In the three years we have lived here, our flower gardens have bloomed beautiful, while our vegetable gardens have been pathetic to say the least. Some of this is our own neglect. But with a wife's hard work and a toddler who likes to "do his work" in the garden, this year's garden has been the best yet. And still, it's a little pathetic. Now I'm not talking about the numerous millions of weeds that are the result of Avi "feeding chicken scratch" (a mixture of organic wheat, barely, and lentils) to our garden. We pull these weeds (or not) with smiles on our faces. Our problem is our garden is in the shadiest spot on our property. It doesn't get near enough sunlight. We are growing flowers that aren't edible in the brightest sunniest spots on our property while our veggies beg for sunshine in the shade. UGH.

Chard and friends.

Our Early Girls haven't ripened yet.

Beautiful squash blossom, no squashes.

Our weed covered herb garden.  See the chicken scratch growing in there?

Purple Beans

So why is this blog post titled, "big girl house"? Well, I have created the big-girl-house-dilemma because I have had the mindset that we should keep things as they are because they are "nice". In the past, I have always lived in places that were easy to "upgrade". In rentals I lived in, have put new tile in a kitchen, turned drab off white walls into colorful masterpieces, ripped up disgusting carpet to expose beautiful hard wood, dug up a yard of weeds to put in a veggie patch. All of those places needed some a lot of TLC. Our home, our big girl home, was already bursting with TLC when we moved in.... but it was the love given with someone else's taste in mind... not ours.  Sure we took down hideous sconces and lighting fixtures after we moved in. That was easy, those really weren't our taste. But the back yard has been another thing altogether. The flower gardens really are beautiful. I like them. I love that Avi is learning to identify flowers and I have had a good many conversations with my neighbors about the flowers I can't identify. I can't imagine digging them up. But if we want to have the boon that I see in inspiring blog posts like Kim's and Lisa's and so many more... well, we have to do things differently.

But I should take this moment to have a little bit of compassion and remind myself that we have started to do things differently. Putting in our chicken coop was a big step. When my mom saw it she said something to the tune of, "I would have thought you would have put that on the side of your home (where the veggie garden is now). Your yard was so nice". (For the record, it still is nice. We have one of the most beautiful chicken runs I have ever seen. Blooming poppies, jupiter's beard, echinacea, black eyed susan, flowers I don't the name of, apple trees drooping with fruit - just sayin'! -- oh and I should say that my Dad was right when he said that the chicken's won't destroy already established plants).  I'm sure she's not the only one to feel this way. But I decided that since we Jenn and Avi have put so much time, attention, and love into the veggie garden, next year we have to dig up some of our flower beds (share them with neighbors and friends) and get our veggie garden into the sunshine!!!

You can see the morning sunshine is shading our garden and all of Avi's (and Mama's) hard work.

"Doing work, Ema", he says... still in his PJs. (He loves this wheelbarrow from G'ma & G'pa).

Pegasus and kitty cat had spent the night in the compost pile - on purpose. Avi said they were sleeping there.

Now, I just have to figure out the best place. The place that won't be shaded in three years because our silver maple has grown. 

1000 days :: An Ah-Ha Moment

Avi turned two a few weeks ago. A huge milestone. 1000 days from conception until the 2nd birthday. 1000 days.

But as we turned this momentous corner, I found I lost sight of a few things. Let me explain. 

Avi started having some difficulty sleeping. Falling asleep was taking hours and on nights when he did fall asleep easily, he would "wake" several times crying out, "no, no". Sometimes he would be crying out in a kind of bad dream. During the day, transitions were met with meltdowns and screaming became commonplace, frustration levels where through the roof. He became uber clingy and wanted to be carried and held all of the time. We tried to figure out reasons for these things. Was the 4 hour time difference from our Hawaii trip still lingering? Second year molars hurting? Gassy belly from the broccoli he's been loving? Picking up on the stress between his two mamas? Just simply turning 2? Bringing a halt to our 4 am nursing? Too much summertime fruit?

Sure, some and/or all of these things are probably contributing in some way to what's has been going on. But I realized that as Avi turned 2, I/We started talking to Avi about all things "big boy". Big boy bed, big boy unders (underpants), big boy's getting themselves dressed, big boy's telling Ema and Mama when he has to go pee-pee. I'd been asking him about nee-nee (nursing) ending. I/We basically created a paradigm for him to "hurry up and grow up".

Trying to get Avi excited about his big boy unders.

Trying to get Avi excited about a big kid bed by showing him his friends bed. 

Ugh. I/We were pushing too much, too fast. Parenting without mindfulness. Ugh. Time to slow down!!! I put his new unders back in the drawer and decided they would stay there until he asked for them. We are still researching the big boy bed, but have decided to wait a bit... slow down... and introduce the new bed when that is the only "new" thing happening for him.

In the meantime, we are keeping a steady routine with naps and bedtime, eating dinner at home more often to help the nighttime transition, continuing co-sleeping, having longer cuddles before and after naps and first thing in the morning, Jenn and I are pausing our stressful conversations until more appropriate times, and we are generally slowing down and enjoying our two year old. Enjoying more moments likes these:

When Avi woke from his nap yesterday, I asked him about his dreams (as I always do). He told me he dreamt about "diapers and unders". I realized we made the right decision to slow down. Since shifting my own internal state about this -- letting go and slowing down -- so has Avi.

Ahhhhhhh - out breath.

(this moment) & Keeping it Real

A Friday ritual. A single photos - no words - capturing a moment from the week. 

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

If you're inspired to do the same, link your 'moment' in the comments for all to find & see.

Thanks to Emily D. for taking this photo! 

Inspired by Soulemama

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This week, I'm also joining monica with:

Keeping it Real #8

valleys:

cold sores

feeling beat down

skipping 6am bootcamp and feeling it

peaks:

Avi saying "potty" when he was in the bathtub. I put him on the potty and he peed! (first time he told me without me prompting or asking him first)

Avi's first parade.

Celebrations with friends.

(this moment) & keeping it real

A Friday ritual. A single few photos - no a few words - capturing a moment from the week. 

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

If you're inspired to do the same, link your 'moment' in the comments for all to find & see.

We celebrated Avi's 2nd Birthday this week. It wasn't until a few days after his birthday that I realized I only put one candle in his (gluten free, sugar free) blueberry cupcake (recipe to come). We lit it twice -- maybe that counts. wink! Thank you lisa for taking these great photos. 

Inspired by Soulemama

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This week, I'm also joining monica with:

Keeping it Real #7

blah:

arriving home from our Hawaii trip to Colorado on fire

feeling the urge to move (near water) but not knowing where

flying red eye - never again!

leaky sprinklers leaving a pond under chicken coop - ugh the flies

feeling distant from my evacuated family

witnessing my wife's high stress work environment leave her exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually 

yay:

celebrating Avi's 2nd birthday

rain

reminiscing about our family trip

sprinkler guy to the rescue!

Avi's love of music - he listens to a song and start singing with it immediately

seeing the hard boiled egg pan on the stove every morning - everyone's eating breakfast again

when we make the tired, frustrated, grumpy trade off in the game of tag-team-bed-time-ritual-for-the-little-bird-who-won't-sleep ... knowing that "love will not elude us"

(this moment) & Keeping it Real

A Friday ritual. A single photos - no a few words - capturing a moment from the week. 

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

If you're inspired to do the same, link your 'moment' in the comments for all to find & see.

"Avi make star. Do it myself"

Inspired by Soulemama

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This week, I'm also joining monica with:

Keeping it Real #6

blah:

 High Park fire :: 46,820 acres, 118 structures burned, 31 homes destroyed, only 10-15% contained.

Missing bootcamp one day this week :: feeling the grumpy effects of it.

Late nights and early mornings :: nobody's fault but my own.

Anxiety about upcoming 8 hour flight with almost 2 year old.

Missing a friend's birthday. 

yay:

Leaving Sunday for a week in Hawaii.

Healthy family, healthy chickens, healthy garden.

Avi singing in the car 

Dinner with friends.

Avi talking about his friends: "Play trains with Ella, share", "Zinnia coming over, play together", "[go] Carter's house", "Amina, Kiren, sleeping at home". 

A sweet moment before dinner to connect, say hello and welcome home to my wife who had been home for over an hour. (Accepting the chaos of life with kiddos).

Rain!!! Rain to help the 1,300 firefighters working so hard. Rain! Rain! Rain!