Contemplations: Queer Parenting "One of These Things is Not Like the Other"

On Sunday, May 12, 2013 -- Mother's Day, I got to spend the morning with my son and then leave him with a sitter to be a part of the show called, "Listen to Your Mother :: A national series of live shows by local writers in celebration of Mother's Day."

It was an amazing experience to be a part of this show. I met some amazing people/writers and even got to spend some quality time with one of the doula's who was at Avi's birth. This blog has been a chance to write... mostly it is not me as a writer, but me as an Ema (translation: mother). The LTYM show let me highlight the writer that is the mother. It gave me the spark to write again. To really write. There were even discussions with other mom/writers about starting a writing group. But the daily life of being a stay at home mom with a 3 year old has left me little time energy to write and even has taken me away from spending time here on my blog. Truth be told, it is 5 minutes to midnight as I write this. I have found that to be the mother that I want to "show" you on this blog, it means I have to spend less time here. Because being tired doesn't leave me much in the way of patience and bringing my best self to the role of mother. But I digress.

This is a video of my live reading. I hope you enjoy it.

Contemplations: Potty Training.

 Yesterday's post clued you into what's been happening in our home these past few weeks. 

Here are my accompanying contemplations. 

When Avi was 1 and 1/2 years old, I felt on top of the potty training thing. We had been doing Elimination Communication with him since he was just 8 weeks old.  I was confident that we were making good decisions and what we were doing was working. Now that Avi is 2 and 1/2, I look back and realize a few mistakes I made that caused a little bit of a halt in being diaper free. (And sure, I know that I could have done "everything right" and we might still be where we are, but nonetheless, maybe my experience could help someone else).

My biggest regret is that we first purchased a toilet seat (which sits atop the toilet) instead of a freestanding potty chair. Now, I had gotten to know Avi's cues pretty quickly. Seeing him begin to grunt and become red faced, I would pick him up and carry him to the bathroom and lift him onto the toilet. This worked fine until he began walking and didn't want me to pick him up and carry him to the toilet. He began to say something to the tune of, "Avi walk himself". And then I would hold his hand and we would walk to the bathroom together. But still, he was dependent on me to help him onto the toilet. "Avi walk himself" was soon replaced with, "No, no, no".  It wasn't long before he began to prefer to poop in his diaper. I felt horrible. Hadn't we come so far? Sometimes I'd go 10 weeks without having to change a poopy diaper. And now he was pooping in his diaper??? Where had a I gone wrong? In the moment it wasn't completely clear, but I also wasn't completely oblivious. So I finally bought the freestanding potty. In hindsight it's easy to see -- of course, a child needs a potty chair that is his size. One that he can sit down on without any help.  

And then when Avi turned two, I got a little over zealous in my own efforts and created a paradigm for him to "hurry up and grow up". More about that here. I put on my own breaks and just left the matter of potty training well alone. Though he did continue to sit on the potty (the potty chair and the big toilet) every now and then.

After about a month of slowing down, I began to communicate even more with Avi. We talked about him growing bigger and that someday he wouldn't have nee-nee (breast milk) anymore. And in the process of three months of talking, Avi, at 28 months, was ready to be done with nursing (and so was I)! That was last October. It was a beautiful ending to nursing that we did together via discussions. And over the last two months, we have been talking again... this time about the potty.  

In that time, I did more research, talked with other mamas, and read books (I like Diaper Free Before Three the best). Last week, I went on a potty training supply/readiness binge:

•  I ordered another bjorn potty (got sick of carrying the one we had upstairs and downstairs) and even let Avi pick which color he wanted.
• I ordered a travel potty for the car.
• I ordered two mattress covers for his bed.
• I bought a new wet bag and dug out our two old ones (for wet/soiled underwear on the go).
• I set up the diaper pail again (for wet/soiled underwear). 
• I bought a dozen or so more cotton trainers and unders. 
• I got about a 1/2 dozen waterproof training pants (which we wear over the cotton underwear when we go out of the house). These are a godsend!
• And I arranged a meeting with Jenn, myself, and our nanny so that we could all be on the same page about our approach. 

He likes his privacy. Thus I'm often checking in on him through the crack beneath the door. 

So Avi is no longer wearing a diaper, (except for nap and bed), and we are all finding our new rhythm which includes using the potty (a lot!). Our first outings without diapers were hugely successful which helps me as much as it helps him. I can see how this gentler shift is so much better for Avi and for me/us (and my patience). And I can also see how this is, indeed, a shift and see him testing his boundaries a little too. All part of the process. 

I'm grateful for the place we are in, for the communication that is happening (amongst us all) and for the milestones we are reaching. I feel like we are finding our way again. 

Last night:
Ema: When the timer goes off, it will be time to head upstairs to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.
Avi: And sit on the potty.
Ema: Yes, and sit on the potty.

1000 days :: An Ah-Ha Moment

Avi turned two a few weeks ago. A huge milestone. 1000 days from conception until the 2nd birthday. 1000 days.

But as we turned this momentous corner, I found I lost sight of a few things. Let me explain. 

Avi started having some difficulty sleeping. Falling asleep was taking hours and on nights when he did fall asleep easily, he would "wake" several times crying out, "no, no". Sometimes he would be crying out in a kind of bad dream. During the day, transitions were met with meltdowns and screaming became commonplace, frustration levels where through the roof. He became uber clingy and wanted to be carried and held all of the time. We tried to figure out reasons for these things. Was the 4 hour time difference from our Hawaii trip still lingering? Second year molars hurting? Gassy belly from the broccoli he's been loving? Picking up on the stress between his two mamas? Just simply turning 2? Bringing a halt to our 4 am nursing? Too much summertime fruit?

Sure, some and/or all of these things are probably contributing in some way to what's has been going on. But I realized that as Avi turned 2, I/We started talking to Avi about all things "big boy". Big boy bed, big boy unders (underpants), big boy's getting themselves dressed, big boy's telling Ema and Mama when he has to go pee-pee. I'd been asking him about nee-nee (nursing) ending. I/We basically created a paradigm for him to "hurry up and grow up".

Trying to get Avi excited about his big boy unders.

Trying to get Avi excited about a big kid bed by showing him his friends bed. 

Ugh. I/We were pushing too much, too fast. Parenting without mindfulness. Ugh. Time to slow down!!! I put his new unders back in the drawer and decided they would stay there until he asked for them. We are still researching the big boy bed, but have decided to wait a bit... slow down... and introduce the new bed when that is the only "new" thing happening for him.

In the meantime, we are keeping a steady routine with naps and bedtime, eating dinner at home more often to help the nighttime transition, continuing co-sleeping, having longer cuddles before and after naps and first thing in the morning, Jenn and I are pausing our stressful conversations until more appropriate times, and we are generally slowing down and enjoying our two year old. Enjoying more moments likes these:

When Avi woke from his nap yesterday, I asked him about his dreams (as I always do). He told me he dreamt about "diapers and unders". I realized we made the right decision to slow down. Since shifting my own internal state about this -- letting go and slowing down -- so has Avi.

Ahhhhhhh - out breath.

almost two

"Bike", Avi says when we head out the front door. "Helmet, help you", he says bringing me his helmet wanting help putting it on. I am loving Avi's confidence on his strider. And how well he sleeps after riding for a bit in the afternoon. But this past week, I noticed that Avi had more confidence in himself than I had in him. In this parenting moment I had to step back and let him do what he was ready to do even though I wasn't. I dropped what I was carrying and in the less than 60 seconds I bent down to pick it up, calling to Avi to get off his bike and wait for Ema, he was on the bridge maneuvering the turns. It's really shallow water, I thought and let him continue. He's "almost two" and this experience was a good reminder to step back and little and let "Avi do it myself" a little more often. 

nine things

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

Thornton Wilder

This week's treasures include:

- the beautiful relationship between these two.

 - his excitement and hesitancy every time we feed the neighbor's goats.

 - the mirror that I see when I look at this one chewing on grass "just like Ema".

 - that Avi is growing up knowing, first hand, that we share this planet with many.

 - that even when I hate the many things that are wrong with this country... I also love it too. 

 - these hands: curious, gentle, helping, and finding that anything can be a toy.

- anything. grass makes a great tub toy.

 - living a slow enough life to have moments like these. 

- that co-sleeping is still working for us.

Quarantine

On Saturday our little bird woke from his afternoon nest with a fever and a few spots on his leg that made me suspect spider bites. By dinner they had continued to spread and we called our beloved friend and neighbor who is a M.D. to come take a look. Professional opinion: Virus. Not to worry.

I didn't. But Sunday morning, I think I caught Jenn counting the spots. Worrying is in her blood. She can't help it. So to alleviate fears, we took him to Urgent Care. The staff was great, we didn't have to wait long and before you knew it everyone was in love with Avi. Professional opinion: Virus. Not to worry.

I didn't. But poor Jenn, "They look worse" and "Don't you think they're spreading." Sigh. But I'm grateful that we have each other. Because I'm probably too laid back and she has the worry gene, so together, I think we make a good pair. A good pair of mothers for our boy. On Monday, I took him to our Naturopath. Professional opinion: Virus - Atypical Hand Foot and Mouth Disease*. (Just like great grandpa diagnosed via a photo sent on our iphone). Keep him away from pregnant women and other kidlets. Prescribed a homeopathic and some herbs. Not to worry.

Spots can't bring me down!

So, we've been quarantined. Missing our friends, play dates, going away dinners, hiking dates, African singing class, and more. Yet, it's been kinda nice. No agenda. No place to be. It's allowed forced me to slow down a bit and be more present. "Ema, play with you. Sit here floor/garden/sandbox", Avi says. Because I'm not busy trying to get us out the door, I'm saying yes more often. So today, we...

 Ate smoothie popsicles and played with $1.25 yard sale finds.

Made friends with a ladybug.

Found some fresh air and sunshine.

And made some red spots of our own!

While all that time to ourselves has been nice and refreshing and forced us to slow.... I'm looking forward to spending time with our friends again. Quarantine is only good for so long. 

*Hand Foot and Mouth, like the name, is a rash that shows up on the palms of hands, soles of feet and around and inside the mouth. Avi has a pretty mild case. Hands, arms, feet, legs... but he doesn't have it showing up in his mouth. Needless to say, we are thankful.

First Farmer's Market of the Season...

This past Saturday was the season's first farmer's market. Mostly greens and tomatoes and starts for your own garden from our favorite local farmers, but it was farmer's market none-the-less. Our good friend (and possibly Avi's best friend) Reji joined us. We made bets on how many minutes before we saw someone we knew. We saw people we knew before we even finished making our bets. Seeing old friends, meeting new ones, gathering in the grass eating some Sister's Pantry dumplings, buying some greens and yummy applesauce... and a little hula hopping... no better way to spend a saturday morning.

Laps are for sitting in...

"Lap, lap, lap", Avi will say as he pulls your hand to the couch. 

Reading is one of his favorite past times. I find I have to stop myself from saying, "hold on" or "in a minute" as I'm trying to finish up one last chore... and just take his hand and sit together to read. I know how important reading is and I want nothing more than to continue to foster that in him. When I was in elementary school, I knew reading was important, so on library day I would pick the thickest books available on the subject of horses (fiction and non-fiction) and I would carry them too and from school so other people would know I was reading. But I never read these books. I was a late bloomer when it comes to reading for enjoyment. (But obviously an early bloomer in knowing about "image" - ugh). So as I said, I want nothing more than to foster the love of reading that he already has... so that he will continue to love books throughout his entire life.  

On this day a few weeks ago, when he took my hand, I suggested we read all of his books. We searched around the living room and found as many books as we could and piled them high. We read through the Shapes book and On The Night You Were Born and then we started reading the Trucks book. "More..." he insisted. Ugh, I hate that Trucks book... digger, tractor, ambulance, airport firetruck, mail truck...  But when I couldn't coax him to another book, I smiled at his own independence coming through and we read that damn Trucks book about thirteen more times before he was ready for the "swings". 

I think I should take his lead when it comes to my own reading and leave all the dishes in the sink and the laundry left to be folded to enjoy my time with a good book. In fact, I'll do just that right now!!

Spring Forward

 Oh, how much we have anticipated this harbinger of spring -- this random agreement we have with the clock -- where we trade one hour of sleep for an extra hour of afternoon/evening sunshine. It was with great pleasure to reset the clocks! I recall it wasn't that long ago when we saw our sun sink behind the mountains at 4:15. And last night, after dinner, we all ventured to the park to enjoy those last yummy bits of sunshine... at 6:30!!!! This is one of my favorite times of year... because my favorite season is the change of seasons! And I am ready for springtime in the Rockies!