Contemplations: Queer Parenting "One of These Things is Not Like the Other"

On Sunday, May 12, 2013 -- Mother's Day, I got to spend the morning with my son and then leave him with a sitter to be a part of the show called, "Listen to Your Mother :: A national series of live shows by local writers in celebration of Mother's Day."

It was an amazing experience to be a part of this show. I met some amazing people/writers and even got to spend some quality time with one of the doula's who was at Avi's birth. This blog has been a chance to write... mostly it is not me as a writer, but me as an Ema (translation: mother). The LTYM show let me highlight the writer that is the mother. It gave me the spark to write again. To really write. There were even discussions with other mom/writers about starting a writing group. But the daily life of being a stay at home mom with a 3 year old has left me little time energy to write and even has taken me away from spending time here on my blog. Truth be told, it is 5 minutes to midnight as I write this. I have found that to be the mother that I want to "show" you on this blog, it means I have to spend less time here. Because being tired doesn't leave me much in the way of patience and bringing my best self to the role of mother. But I digress.

This is a video of my live reading. I hope you enjoy it.

Here I am.....

Here I am. I've been away. I am really kind of still away. Don't worry, I'll be back. In the meantime, thanks for checking in on me and letting me enjoy all of your blogs. 

Sunrise on Wonderland Lake March 2013

Yarn and Read Along.

So my needles have been sitting in my office for the past.... hmmm... three years I would guess. I had a scarf that was half done just waiting to be finished and for someone to help me cast off. You see, as a young girl, when my grandmother taught me to knit, she always cast on and off for me. I'm sure she did try to teach me, but it was the thing I always struggled with. Along with my needles, yarn, and half finished scarf there was also a sheet of instructions for casting on and off (that I had printed off also about three years ago) which I tried to follow in vain.

But as I was recently inspired by Lisa and Kim to get my needles out again, I knit the remainder of the scarf and was ready to start something new. With my newfound inspiration, I decided to search youtube for instructions to cast off. Two minutes later, I had a finished scarf and was ready to start something new. Youtube cast on instructions to the rescue and I was on my way. It's amazing what a little bit of inspiration can do. So I'm working on this scarf and finally breaking out of the scarf world and also working on knitting a stuffed kitten similar to this one.

On the reading front, I've been loving Ashley English's Canning & Preserving. I decided that this year, I'm going to venture into canning in effort to not let anything from our garden go to waste. I feel that by reading up on how to can now, I'll be able to gather most of the supplies that I don't already have by perusing thrift stores and get some confidence under my belt before I actually begin. I already feel a new found confidence. 

Additionally, I'm loving Seven Times the Sun by Shea Darian, a recommendation from Mom to 5 over at One Mamas Journey. When this book first arrived in the mail, I just felt completely overwhelmed flipping through it, but after it sat on the counter for a few weeks, I picked it up again and after reading the introduction which reminds, "Begin where you are, and when there are new rhythms and rituals you wish to bring to your child's day, choose one thing at a time", I felt encouraged again and have been really loving this book. 

Avi modeling the scarf I finished.

On Avi's bookshelf, we have been loving When Lightning Comes in a Jar by Patricia Polacco. I am in love with her stories, Many of which take place in Michigan, where I grew up.  (Other favorites of her's include Thunder Cake and The Bee Tree).

All I See Is Part Of Me by Chara M. Curtis is such a sweet story about the interconnectedness of the world. I have overheard Avi remembering pieces of it out loud during his play.

And lastly, Winnie-The-Pooh and Some Bees by A.A. Milne. If you remember all the controversy I caused back here when I said that Avi didn't even know who Pooh was. Well, we are loving these stories now. Avi always giggles when Christopher Robin says, "Silly ol' bear".




Joining Ginny today.

the teeter-totter: inspired by MJ

"Too long have I lived in the shadowy darkness of longing, of wishing, of wondering. Too long have I been frozen and too afraid to unleash the deep, inner workings of my creative soul. No one should be so starved. Not me, not you, not anyone.  Leave the shadow behind and don the wings that were meant for you and only you. Bring to life your purpose, your gifts, your passion, and hide in the darkness no more." 

These beautiful words by MJ over at Wander Wonder Discover have stirred something deep within.  

Sunset :: Tungabhadra River near Hampi, India

I have been shackled by my own insecurities. 

I stand in the cool air and watch the evening (verb) of day time and night time - the light slowly dipping and the dark slowly rising. In this shift, there exists but a moment when both day and night are balanced - each one on the opposite ends of a teeter-totter - neither one with feet touching the ground. Perfectly balanced. Then day continues to dip beyond the fulcrum pushing night higher so. I stand in darkness. I imagine the fulcrum of my soul's longings. On one end is the longing, the wishing, the wondering in the darkness. On the other end is the action, the doing, the possibilities.

I feel like I have spent so much time trying to cherry drop my insecurities, that I have failed to see how I am still suspended.... my feet far from the ground and no awareness of my own wings to free me. 



I thought I was 'winning' but realize now that I am just getting in my own way. Yes yes, Julie, honor those beautiful places in your life.. you are a good mother. A great mother. and you are an amazing educator. Those things aren't meant to be dismissed. But being defensive about what it is that you do well is only you getting in your own way. 



What you, that is I, need is balancing... honor the dreaming, longing, wishing... by stepping from the darkness of your insecurities and watch as the darkness dips and let the daytime of your longings rise. Rise into action, doing, possibilities.  And notice the moment....the evening (verb) of night to day. Hear the chickens wake. The birds' songs. And then step into the sunlight and sing your own song. YOU, that is me, cannot hide any longer. It is time. 

Sunrise :: Boulder, Colorado

Welcoming 2013 with a new morning ritual

As I sit alone this morning, my family still asleep upstairs, the chickens starting to wake outside, I welcome in this 1st of the year.  These few quiet moments in the morning will be my ritual this year. 

 Happy New Year. 

May your year be filled with love, community, laughter, abundance, health, light, peace, a renewed and deeper connection to our natural world, sunshine, and some quiet little moments for yourself. 

(these [Nine] Moments)

Where have I been? Working, Learning, Playing, Cooking, Teaching, Cleaning, Sharing, and sooo much more.

 I apologize for my lengthened absence. So here is a little bit of Thursday for Friday.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.  ~Thornton Wilder

 We had an excellent Thanksgiving Holiday in the rainy but beautifully green Pacific Northwest. Portland to be exact. Grandma and Grandpa (Jenn's parents) hosted a great family gathering and we ate and laughed and played and had sooo much fun that our cameras rarely came out (a blessing and a curse). Here is Avi playing with one of Grandma's awesome toys!!

 One disadvantage to traveling by plane at thanksgiving is that we don't get sent home with any leftovers. But our friend/neighbor Allie made a 28 pound turkey and shared some of lots of her leftovers. Avi and I got to work and made (for my first time) gluten free egg noodles for our turkey noodle soup. 

 It was okay. The noodles turned out pretty good for a rushed first time. But I used a few different recipes from the web and it was under seasoned. I froze the leftovers so I will add more seasonings before we eat the next batch. The cute part was watching Jenn get seconds and thirds the whole time saying how under seasoned it was. And she was probably on her thirds when she realized that when I said the gluten free noodles were homemade - that meant Avi and I made them. :)

 I have been struggling to balance it all. And even though my bedtime has been uber late in the past several months, I still wake up early. UGH. But I do get to see magical mornings like this! 

 Avi and his/our friend Ella playing together. We hadn't seen Ella and her parents in sooo long that Avi said he wanted to "go on the Ella plane".  It broke my heart and made me smile all at the same time - what else could be the reason we haven't seen her except that she must have moved so far away, we'd need to fly on a plane, he reasoned. (Less than five miles to be exact). Making this play-date happen (and later dinner with her mama too) was sooo much sweeter than this photo could capture. 

 I am in love with my growing boy. His language continues to grow and amaze me. "I think.... shall we go feed the goats?" When the goats didn't come to his calls, "Come here goats. It's me, Avi" (a rarity, they always come), he decided to pocket the bait. 

 If one flies often and looks closely, they might recognize that this photo was taken on an airplane. But I wasn't traveling back from Portland. This flight took me to Salt Lake City, Utah for a Training/Class through the VRS Interpreting Institute. I flew out (alone) on a Thursday and came home that Sunday. The longest trip I've had away from Avi thus far. It was bittersweet! Freedom and heartache all at once. (Yes, that is a Vodka Soda I'm drinking)

 On Saturday, after being in training all day, a handful of us took the train into Temple Square to see the lights. I had forgotten that saying, "When in Rome..." as I asked the hostess of a restaurant on the roof of the Joseph Smith Memorial building if they had a bar. 

 But the training was amazing. I came away from it with a whole huge heap of ideas to use in my class, a new found desire to get my Ph.D., and a gaggle of amazing interpreter educators from across the country that I can now call colleagues and friends...including the amazing Sharon Neumann Solow (above).

Coming home was such sweetness. My boy seemed changed. His face, his voice different. Taller. And when I arrived he said, "Ema, you all done with Salt Lake City!" Here he is helping me with dinner. Messy but worth it!

I want to apologize in advance for any future absences that might occur. I'm winding down my semester (read: lots of grading) and trying my best to sit down at the sewing machine to finish (and start) some holiday gifts. Chanukkah begins at sundown this saturday. I'm not ready for the holidays. It was 75 degrees here on Wednesday. Where is the snow? Where has the time gone? On December 25th, Avi will be 2 & 1/2. Where has the time gone? 

I will post as I can... and know that I'm missing reading all your posts as well. I hope to be catching up soon!

Kale Smoothies Baby!

Back on the first day of the year, I set my intention to embrace food. We started our day with a smoothie -- nothing like drinking your greens! And eating them too... spinach and chard in our smoothies and salads. Nutritious eats. Delicious eats. But it wasn't long before the high oxolate foods (swiss chard being the worst at 645mg and spinach at 600mg) caught up to my already-prone-to-kidney-stone kidneys. Ugh. So my motivation to eat healthy waned... and I nixed the greens, lost sight of almost all vegetables and fell back into the habit of sugar. Horrible for the rest of my body, but not a high oxalate food. And then came the dark chocolate (daily) and suddenly I'm not only not eating well (because I was avoiding those high oxalate foods) but now I'm not eating well and eating high oxalate foods (chocolate 117mg).

And to give a little bit of perspective: 

'Very high oxalate food' contains more than 90-800mg. 

'High oxalate foods' contain between 26-99mg. 

'Moderate oxalate foods' contain between 10-25mg.

'Low oxalate foods' contain between 0-9mg. 

I have to say it is extremely frustrating when you try to do something healthy and then your body backfires on you. And it sucks even worse to look at a chart that says:

Beets, Chard, Spinach, Almonds, Rhubarb = the worst

Brown rice flour = bad.                              White bread = good.
Granola = bad.                                            Apple Jacks and Frosted Flakes = good.
Lentil Potato Soup = bad.                           Cheese soup = good.
Black Pepper = bad.                                   Corn Syrup = good.
Cinnamon = bad.                                        Ketchup = good.
Tea (black or gren) = bad.                          Pepsi = good. Coca-cola even better.

Right now, I only crave those foods which are bad for my kidneys. But it's due time I get over this bump. There are nutritious and delicious foods I can eat - some of which include: asparagus, avocados, broccoli, cherries, melons, mangos, peaches, fish, eggs, cheese, and most herbal teas. I need to do a bit of detox in my gut as well as the fridge and pantry. I'm back at the gym 3-5 days a week and that feels great. But it's time to quit being punched in the gut by dumb charts and figure out good, healthy, low (to medium) oxalate foods that I can eat and feel good about.  I'm also seeing a holistic nutritionist to help guide me through the process.

So I started with a kale/berry smoothie. Avi loves the blender and it's an easy no stress kitchen adventure we can do together. Kale is moderate at 13mg and so are the berries you see below but they are worth it if I don't overdue it. I can't drink a kale/berry smoothie every morning, but I can once in a while. Any of you have ideas for a green smoothie that is also good for the kidneys?

1 cup strawberries
1 cup blackberries
the rest of the blueberries in the fridge
1 avocado
a bunch of kale from the garden
1 Tbsp flaxseed (we keep ours in the freezer to retain freshness)
1 Tbsp hemp protein
*******************
one hungry boy who wants to help!
add ingredients into blender, add water (we fill 1/2 way)
blend, pour, enjoy!!

Avi wanted his in a bowl... and eventually wanted it topped with granola. Check out the first bite (clean pj shirt) to last bite (can you say bath after breakfast?)!!

A balancing act

As I have stepped into the classroom again, I haven't had much in the way of spare time to spend here. Just today, my lovely asked me if I had a chance to look at the four emails she send/forwarded to me. "I've been busy being a parent and an educator", I said with a smile.  Ignored emails, blog posts left to linger in my head, overdue library books, dirty floors, late night bedtimes (for me... as I write this now, everyone else is sleeping)...... and I haven't even given an assignment that I have to bring home to grade. At least there is clean laundry and time to sit down every evening for our family meal. 

So please be patient with me as I learn to juggle the added responsibilities. I know where my priorities are - thus my spare moments are given to my family (and the laundry)! And after that, you can look to find me here... just not as often!!

Oh and by the way, this decision to be in the classroom again is: 

big breath in..... eyes closed....... pause...... slow out breath... smile. 

9K (or making leap day extraordinary)

 "If your dreams do not scare you,they are not big enough."  

- Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

There is a first time for everything, right?  I registered for this:

source

I know 9K may seem like nothing, but for me it is daunting. I haven't been working out or really even walking that much.  I'm not a runner and have never ran a race if you don't count middle school track tryouts. I'm a little embarrassed to say, but my inspiration came when I got the Title Nine catalogue in the mail the other day --  those women (real women, not just emaciated models) have amazingly strong bodies.  I want to have a stronger body. I feel like this goal is going to get me started in the right direction. Now if my psoas muscle would just settle so I can start training. It's time to put that jog stroller to it's real use!

Anyone want to join me? I could use a buddy or two. Especially another first-timer!

"Box of Stones"

Sometimes one song just moves you. 

This one, by Benjamin Francis Leftwich, moved me recently.

You said, I am young and I am yours

I am free, but I am flawed

I am here and your heart

I was here from the start

Way past my bedtime....

 Writing new blog posts

Catching up on other's blog posts.

"The Hunger Games" - ugh, addicting. Recently finished the series. Addiction thwarted.


What things keep you from getting to bed on time?