Contemplations :: Gender Stereotypes and Kidlets

Yesterday, in effort to help a friend find some winter boots, Avi and I hung out in the shoe department of a consignment store for about 15 minutes. He began by stuffing his cars into the shoes – a beloved pastime at home. I love when I’m getting ready to leave the house and find his loving gestures unexpectedly meeting my feet. It wasn’t long before he grabbed a pair of black, sparkly high heels and brought them to me, “Take off my shoes, Ema”.

 

Before long, he was walking in these high heels proudly through the store. Finding himself in the mirror and having a private conversation. “Do you like these?” he asked. “Yes, I do,” said his reflection.

My heart melted a little as I watched him walk effortlessly in these shoes. That’s my son. I love that my boy was drawn to a pair of shoes that I would never in my life, not even for a costume, wear. 

But quickly I thought of our society and of older generations that question this behavior. The time my mom said, “Don’t you mean, handsome” when I called my newborn son beautiful. The judgment of others that my son has a stroller (a gift from my mom – good job mom) and a baby doll or sews buttons or loves his ironing board. The exaggerated apologies when people are corrected that my long-haired beauty isn’t a “she” (Note: I rarely correct).  Or that we encourage the whole spectrum of feelings.

I know many parents are raising their boys with dolls and girls with trucks these days, but because I’m queer… and our son has a two mama family… I think there is an unfounded fear that if we don’t raise our son to be “manly” (whatever the F*** that means) that he will be gay. (gasp). 

I do many things to challenge gender stereotypes.  I change gender of some of the diggers and excavators and bulldozers in his books. (Why do diggers all have to be male anyway?) I change the words of dated books, firemen become firefighters, mailmen are mail carriers, etc. In the telling of the Three Little Pigs, our woodcutter who gives the pig sticks is a women, so is the farmer who gives the pig straw and the mason who shares her bricks.

Gandhi said, Be the change you wish to see in the world. In raising my son to know that a women can be a wood chopper and cry when he is hurt or sad and push his dolls in the stroller and sew buttons on fabric, I do so because I want him to grow into a man who is respectful to women, can express his emotions, and be loving to his own children and a jack and jill of all trades. This is the change I want to see in the world. 

And if I someday I am blessed to have a daughter, I will do the same, so that she grows to know she can be as strong as a bulldozer and express her feelings and know how to build something amazing with her tools.

Nine: Halloween Edition

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.  ~Thornton Wilder

This weeks treasures and random musings are dedicated to Halloween. 

Some time ago, Avi had decided to be a black and white Kitty Cat for Halloween. Then, out of the blue, he announced he wanted to dress as a "Balloon Party" (we still are stumped where he even got this vocabulary). When he woke on Saturday, he wanted to be a Monkey and so dressed the part for our pal, Harrison's 1st birthday/halloween party. And between Saturday and Halloween, Avi juggled Kitty Cat, Trash Can (??), Balloon Party, and Monkey. Halloween morning he was back to the Kitty Cat. So, I finished my lecture, let my students out 15 minutes early, and raced home to get in front of the sewing machine before our nanny had to leave. I had about 30 minutes - and Voila - sometimes, it's all you need! Who cares if he is mistaken for a cow or skunk, he knew he was a Kitty Cat! (As I sit here and write this, Jenn is sweetly giving me some feedback about the round spots making it seem more cow and less cat... and if I had only...    I cut her off, smile sweetly and remind her that I had less than a half hour. He looked great)! I also texted my mom to tell her thanks for making my 3rd grade nun halloween costume the night before because I now understand how she was sure I would change my mind. A new insight as a parent!

A little bit of Halloween make-up makes the nose (which he rubbed off) and whiskers!

Now, if you remember from this post on the 1st of October, Avi's inspiration for his costume came from our neighbor's black and white cat named Boomer. Avi gets on his costume and a few minutes later who should appear? None other than Boomer.

 He was in the far corner of our backyard when Avi opened the door and said, "Boomer, I'm a kitty cat." Boomer, who is sometimes shy and stand-offish, leapt over the brown stalks that were once black-eyed-susans, ran through the grass, came up the stairs and right up to Avi...

...and into our home. Avi was in heaven! The boy and his inspiration!

 It wasn't long before Boomer was bounding up the stairs and into our bathroom shower. Avi was quick to follow.

 The two of them hung out for a bit in the shower and Boomer meowed up quite the conversation which Avi seemed to take in without hesitation. Maybe some pointers on being a feline?!

Avi showed off his tail to Boomer before we led him back downstairs to head outside.

Soon we noticed yet another friend outside. Avi joined Forrest in his kitty cat ways out on the deck. Who knew our son was the cat whisperer.

And finally an evening of trick-or-treating* with our neighbors, Carter, the monkey and his baby sister, Kate, dressed as a bear (who isn't in the picture because she was being worn by her mama). These boys had quite the night!

*A note on trick-or-treating: I struggle with the whole candy aspect of Halloween -- partially hydrogenated oils, corn syrup, and sugar. Avi still doesn't completely know what candy is. He knows about chocolate and knows he can have it when he is older. So in effort to keep Halloween from becoming this candy focused holiday, we brought along Lara Bars and other healthier snacks to sneak to the eager candy givers to give to Avi. This lasted for a few homes, but seeing his friend get to pick candy, Avi wanted to as well. In comes the wonderful story of the Sugar Sprite. I came across this idea from other bloggers (sorry, I don't remember who and where). Children collect candy on Halloween and leave it by their bed. The Sugar Sprite comes in the night and takes the candy leaving behind another small gift (stickers, for example) as a thank you. Then the Sugar Sprite uses all that sweetness to sprinkle into kiddos dreams - keeping their dreams sweet. I love this. The Sugar Sprite was mildly introduced to Avi this year... but we will definitely be continuing with this tradition!!  

I wonder how you all handle Halloween. 

Keeping it Real: Contemplations on Being the Parent You Don't Want to Be.

Pausing to listen to an airplane in the sky, stooping to watch a ladybug on a plant, sitting on a rock to watch the waves crash over the quayside - children have their own agendas and timescales.  As they find out more about their world and their place in it, they work hard not to let adults hurry them.  We need to hear their voices.  ~Cathy Nutbrown

Lately, I've have to step back and ask myself:  What is causing so much stress? Why am I clinging too tightly to my own agenda and losing patience for Avi's agenda? About a week ago, while walking to dinner,  I found myself feeling easily frustrated as Avi was stopping to touch every bike parked along Pearl Street (and if you know Boulder, that's a lot of bikes). And instead of hurrying along Avi, I just projected my 'agenda' onto Jenn (sorry Jenn).  "Please don't let him do that, those bike chains are greasy and his hands are getting dirty." and "Can't you help him along faster?"  I was tired. And hungry. And cold. But instead of just honoring their moments together - and walking ahead on my own, I had to push my agenda onto them. In hindsight, I'm not very proud of myself as a parent or partner in that moment. And other moments like them. Lately, I haven't liked the stress-case that I have become. Having difficulty dealing with transitions. Pushing my own agenda onto the world. Melting down easily when things do go as planned. Being just plain grumpy. I'm thinking that this means I need to take some time for myself and look deeper. (And I need to sleep more).

Being a parent is hard work. It is stressful and exhausting and time consuming and can bring up all that was or wasn't good about one's own upbringing. But being a parent is also magical. And amazing and rewarding and awe-inspiring and phenomenal. My heart swells bigger everyday. I love watching Avi grow and being able to help guide him along his own path. And I'm glad Avi works hard to not allow me hurry him. But I don't want him to have to work so hard. I want to respect his agenda too. I need to pause... pause to listen... hear Avi's voice. Respect Avi's voice. 

Maybe I should get a tattoo the above quote from Cathy Nutbrown's? Or paint it on a wall in my home?  

What are ways that you realign yourself with your values when things feel stressful? How do you deal with times when you are not the parent you want to be? 

1000 days :: An Ah-Ha Moment

Avi turned two a few weeks ago. A huge milestone. 1000 days from conception until the 2nd birthday. 1000 days.

But as we turned this momentous corner, I found I lost sight of a few things. Let me explain. 

Avi started having some difficulty sleeping. Falling asleep was taking hours and on nights when he did fall asleep easily, he would "wake" several times crying out, "no, no". Sometimes he would be crying out in a kind of bad dream. During the day, transitions were met with meltdowns and screaming became commonplace, frustration levels where through the roof. He became uber clingy and wanted to be carried and held all of the time. We tried to figure out reasons for these things. Was the 4 hour time difference from our Hawaii trip still lingering? Second year molars hurting? Gassy belly from the broccoli he's been loving? Picking up on the stress between his two mamas? Just simply turning 2? Bringing a halt to our 4 am nursing? Too much summertime fruit?

Sure, some and/or all of these things are probably contributing in some way to what's has been going on. But I realized that as Avi turned 2, I/We started talking to Avi about all things "big boy". Big boy bed, big boy unders (underpants), big boy's getting themselves dressed, big boy's telling Ema and Mama when he has to go pee-pee. I'd been asking him about nee-nee (nursing) ending. I/We basically created a paradigm for him to "hurry up and grow up".

Trying to get Avi excited about his big boy unders.

Trying to get Avi excited about a big kid bed by showing him his friends bed. 

Ugh. I/We were pushing too much, too fast. Parenting without mindfulness. Ugh. Time to slow down!!! I put his new unders back in the drawer and decided they would stay there until he asked for them. We are still researching the big boy bed, but have decided to wait a bit... slow down... and introduce the new bed when that is the only "new" thing happening for him.

In the meantime, we are keeping a steady routine with naps and bedtime, eating dinner at home more often to help the nighttime transition, continuing co-sleeping, having longer cuddles before and after naps and first thing in the morning, Jenn and I are pausing our stressful conversations until more appropriate times, and we are generally slowing down and enjoying our two year old. Enjoying more moments likes these:

When Avi woke from his nap yesterday, I asked him about his dreams (as I always do). He told me he dreamt about "diapers and unders". I realized we made the right decision to slow down. Since shifting my own internal state about this -- letting go and slowing down -- so has Avi.

Ahhhhhhh - out breath.

almost two

"Bike", Avi says when we head out the front door. "Helmet, help you", he says bringing me his helmet wanting help putting it on. I am loving Avi's confidence on his strider. And how well he sleeps after riding for a bit in the afternoon. But this past week, I noticed that Avi had more confidence in himself than I had in him. In this parenting moment I had to step back and let him do what he was ready to do even though I wasn't. I dropped what I was carrying and in the less than 60 seconds I bent down to pick it up, calling to Avi to get off his bike and wait for Ema, he was on the bridge maneuvering the turns. It's really shallow water, I thought and let him continue. He's "almost two" and this experience was a good reminder to step back and little and let "Avi do it myself" a little more often. 

(this moment) and Keeping it Real

A Friday ritual. A single Several photos - no a few words - capturing a moment from the week. 

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

If you're inspired to do the same, link your 'moment' in the comments for all to find & see.

 Avi doesn't know who Pooh is. Or Christopher Robin. Or Piglet. We haven't yet read those books to him. We have one pooh bear toy that is called "yellow bear" (even though this kind of thing makes our mothers roll their eyes at us).  Honestly we are trying to avoid as many media driven characters as possible in our home. And this day, outside the library - waiting for it to open, was no different. Avi did not meet Pooh, Christopher Robin or Piglet. Instead he met a bear, a boy, and a little pig. He was thrilled to meet them, stroke their backs, look, with curiosity, at whatever they were looking at, and hold hands. He also kissed them all goodbye on our way out.

I love this gentle child. 

Inspired by Soulemama

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This week, I'm also joining monica with:

Keeping it Real #4

blah:

Avi testing the idea of "pushing"

not understanding the wing ding language my wife speaks

feeling camera envy when seeing a class of 30+ photographers at the farmer's market

 noticing my defense mechanisms (about my own self worth) arise while reading the current issue of Taproot 

our last hurrah with Tim who is off to new adventures in Seattle.

kidney stones -- still

yay:

"Avi (down)stairs do it myself - big boy"

new friendships forming - both grown up and kidlet friends

spontaneous front yard picnics

two quiet hours in the coffee shop in the blogsphere

successfully making lisa's Mexican Slaw - YUM!

going to bootcamp every m/w/f at 6 a.m. even when I desperately want to roll over and go back to bed

the two of us dreaming of winnebagos and the open road