Pausing to listen to an airplane in the sky, stooping to watch a ladybug on a plant, sitting on a rock to watch the waves crash over the quayside - children have their own agendas and timescales. As they find out more about their world and their place in it, they work hard not to let adults hurry them. We need to hear their voices. ~Cathy Nutbrown
Lately, I've have to step back and ask myself: What is causing so much stress? Why am I clinging too tightly to my own agenda and losing patience for Avi's agenda? About a week ago, while walking to dinner, I found myself feeling easily frustrated as Avi was stopping to touch every bike parked along Pearl Street (and if you know Boulder, that's a lot of bikes). And instead of hurrying along Avi, I just projected my 'agenda' onto Jenn (sorry Jenn). "Please don't let him do that, those bike chains are greasy and his hands are getting dirty." and "Can't you help him along faster?" I was tired. And hungry. And cold. But instead of just honoring their moments together - and walking ahead on my own, I had to push my agenda onto them. In hindsight, I'm not very proud of myself as a parent or partner in that moment. And other moments like them. Lately, I haven't liked the stress-case that I have become. Having difficulty dealing with transitions. Pushing my own agenda onto the world. Melting down easily when things do go as planned. Being just plain grumpy. I'm thinking that this means I need to take some time for myself and look deeper. (And I need to sleep more).
Being a parent is hard work. It is stressful and exhausting and time consuming and can bring up all that was or wasn't good about one's own upbringing. But being a parent is also magical. And amazing and rewarding and awe-inspiring and phenomenal. My heart swells bigger everyday. I love watching Avi grow and being able to help guide him along his own path. And I'm glad Avi works hard to not allow me hurry him. But I don't want him to have to work so hard. I want to respect his agenda too. I need to pause... pause to listen... hear Avi's voice. Respect Avi's voice.
Maybe I should get a tattoo the above quote from Cathy Nutbrown's? Or paint it on a wall in my home?
What are ways that you realign yourself with your values when things feel stressful? How do you deal with times when you are not the parent you want to be?
We all have these moments, I think. Mine usually involve getting way too angry and yelling out of proportion with the situation. When I reflect, it is almost always my own stress and not anything my boys did that cause the problem, but it always takes some cool-down time to come to this point. And I make sure I protect this right to cool down and just ask my boys to hold on their demands for a few minutes while I have a moment on the couch with a book. When I'm ready, sometimes right after my cool-down, but sometimes not till evening or the next day, I take the time to apologize, even to Clayton, who surely doesn't understand yet. Of course, it is good modeling, but mostly it helps me and the boys to move on and set goals to be better.
ReplyDeleteKatie, thanks for sharing. yes.... good modeling and helping us to move on and be better!
DeleteLately, I have Peggy O'mara's quote on a loop in my mind:
ReplyDelete“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Every time I hear myself responding curtly to Z or getting wrapped up with my own agenda this quote comes spinning into my consciousness and it pulls me back on track. Be kind to yourself and it'll resonate to your loved ones.
Love you friend.
Lisa,
DeleteI love this quote! this is a shorter quote... easier to tattoo - ha! thanks!!
oh, that is a good peggy o'mara quote.
ReplyDelete((hug)) it can be hard when you are not in your best space to be the best parent you can be. i have been thinking about this as well. i have been reading a book on waldorf homeschool and in it they talk about younger children doing a lot of imitating of adults and that YOU need to give them someone worthy of imitating. when i read that it was a serious wake up call. have i been giving my children someone worthy of imitating? am i being the best mother i can be? am i stopping and going at their pace or am i rushing everyone? i catch myself saying things like "let's hurry so we can get back". what does that even mean? why not slow down and enjoy this moment what ever it is?
so i get you, parenting isn't just about raising a child, it is about raising ourselves too.
indeed. we aren't just raising our kidlets, we are raising ourselves!!! thanks!
DeleteI suggest pulling out a few dollars if u have em in savings for a few more babysitters this week and sleeping your brains out. Having "you time" where u aren't meditating or trying to fix yourself but hopefully finding yourself "screwing off" or doing something so weird/silly with friends that makes u laugh like crazy. Next - just - don't - do - anything for a scheduled period of time.
ReplyDeleteI love this advice. (who are you?). I have decided that for today, Avi and I will not schedule anything!! And i'm going to try to play our way into everything. easier said than done, but worth a try. And then I think I will take your advice and "screw off" doing something silly and weird that will make me laugh!!
DeleteLove that quote; I need to remember that one, I think it's so true. We all have these moments/days when we're not acting in our proudest form; I know I have alot of them! One thing that helps me is to immediately forgive myself & let go of the guilt because usually it only serves to keep me on edge, making another impatient outburst imminent. I tell myself, "That was a mistake; you can do better. Let's start again" and somedays I need to "start again" many times.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good mom and a good partner; just keep going!
Yes, gentle loving kindness toward ourselves can go a long way! Thanks Kim.
DeleteLove the quote you started with.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you mama, you are discovering you are human :) We all have moments we would like to change, take back or do differently. These moments teach us about the person we want to be and force us to make the change to be that person.
Awareness is the first step, and you are there.
For me, the first thing I do is recenter myself and breath. An apology usually follows and later when I am on my own a little bit of thought about why it happened and how I can change if for next time.
And Peggy's quote Lisa mentioned above is on the loud speaker in my head :)
Hugs.
Kim, I find myself saying out loud, "breath Ema, breath". Yes yes yes... that part of all of us that is human! Thanks Kim.
DeleteOh boy, I am right there with you Mama! I mean right there with you. I reflect upon the past week or so and I hate the person I have been. Grumpy, tired, snappy. So not the Mama I want to be. I think it just comes in waves. You can become aware of them and try and work through them and hopefully get better at dealing with the reasons and finding ways to handle it all better, but in the long run, we all go through it. Like the others have said, they imitate us, they learn through us so I try and take these situations to teach them and myself how to handle it. Let them see we are human and struggle as well. We make mistakes, we apologize and we try harder next time. You are a great Mom just for noticing and wanting to do better!!
ReplyDeleteJennifer, thanks for your words. It's true... how important it is for kiddos to see us as parents making mistakes too. It just feels so much easier when it's spilling a gallon of milk on the kitchen floor. and yes... we try harder next time!
DeleteI blog about it! Then I forgive myself, because they forgive you! Hang in there mama." This to shall pass" is the mantra I use when I'm starting to stress a little. Also I just learned this empathy over anger and frustration. It changed my whole world.
ReplyDeleteThanks KC. appreciate your words!
DeleteMeditation. It forces me to slow down and take that deep breath literally and figuratively. I have to say that it makes me feel like I did something right because my 16 year meditates now too. Hang tough...adjustments can make us all a little cranky.
ReplyDeleteThanks Melissa. I haven't sat on the cushion for years. I do want to model this for Avi... so maybe now is as good-a-time as any!
DeleteI couldn't help but notice the sign that said Boulder's only from scratch shop! I am surprised by this!
ReplyDelete