Contemplations on Being Grown Up

A while back I visited Amanda over at Bound for Home and she had the song Back to the Earth by Rusted Root on grooveshark (still don't know how to use this feature on my blog). It was 1994, two years since I graduated high school and moved 1306.09 miles from my hometown. My childhood friend, Jennifer Mackowiak, who  had worked in a music store (remember those?), told me through a letter (and those?), or a long distance phone call (and those?), or on a trip home about Rusted Root. "Get their album", she said. "You'll love it".

And I did! When I Woke became part of the soundtrack to my life, along with Tori Amos' Under the Pink, Indigo Girl's Swamp Ophelia, Luka Bloom's Turf to name a few. Life was easy and complicated then. I felt so young. I remember asking my sister, (who is 10 years older than me), when she felt like an adult? "I still don't", she told me. I didn't believe her. She was married after all...  and they had plans to start a family. She sure seemed like an adult to me.

But hearing that song for the first time in a long time, I now understand what my sister meant. I have felt it -- that feeling of knowing I may never feel like an adult -- many times. I felt it on my wedding day, after my son was born, everytime I vote, and when I interview for jobs. I also see it when I'm in the classroom -- some of my students are my age, some older, but many... most weren't even in kindergarden when I was buying my first Rusted Root album. I feel my age when I look in their eyes - no indication of the dark circles to come.

I will celebrate by 40th birthday in 14 months. I am married. I have a son. I have a graduate degree. I still don't feel like an adult and everytime I hear one of those songs from my 20 year old soundtrack, I (don't) feel it even more!!